Second Satire Blog Post (Originally the celebrity satire)

(Translated from Spain News Articles.)

Last week, Barcelona was unexpectedly eliminated from the Champions League in the semi-finals against Chelsea. Near the end of the first half, Lionel Messi, known to be the world’s best soccer player, took an incredible penalty kick which sent the ball flying into the air far away from the net. Fans of Barcelona defensively argue that his mistake was due to the tackle prior to the shot. However, reports from the interviews with Messi beg to differ.

In his most recent interview, Lionel Messi confessed that his failed penalty shot was rather intentional than accidental. He described that the shot was “the greatest shot of [his] life”, even though his mistake largely contributed to Chelsea’s victory.

“Didn’t you guys see that? I nailed him straight in the face! It was epic. How did you guys miss that? The ball flew over like 10 baby heads,” explained Messi.

From the reports from the match, the target of Messi’s penalty shot was proved to be Hannibal Eulalia, Lionel Messi’s high school alumni, and also the man who is believed to have had love affairs with Messi’s former girlfriend.

“It’s not just because my girlfriend cheated on me for that guy. There’s more to it than that and you won’t believe some of the things he’s done to me at school. One time, he came up to me with his buddies and took my lunch money! He used to bully me every single day. Just thinking of that made me want to kick him in the face with a soccer ball whenever I think of that. And that’s exactly what I did in the game! Who knows I’ll be lucky enough to find him again in a crowd of 10,000 people all shouting my name? I didn’t want to miss my chances,” stated Messi in his interview.

In the last moments of his interview, where Messi was asked how he would make up for the loss against Chelsea and redeem himself for the elimination of his team in the Champions League, he then nonchalantly replied, “I’ll just win it next year. I’m still the best attacker in the whole league.”

Reports after the match of Barcelona and Chelsea confirmed that Lionel Messi, Barcelona’s famed attacker/winger and supposedly the greatest soccer player in the world, will be playing as a goalie for the next 5 seasons of his career with Barcelona. 

High School in Florida Celebrates the Deaths of 39 Students

         Last week, on April 27th, 39 students were killed in a lockdown at Sir James Massacre High School, located in Safe Harbour Drive in Tampa, FL. The school celebrated that only 39 students out of 700 had perished from the accident.

          
“Our school has been practicing lock down drills over the past 5 years. We are lucky to have such low number of casualties, all thanks to our newly installed doors. Every room door in this campus is reinforced with wooden latches for maximum security and protection. These latches are safe and secure through many other disasters, like earthquakes and floods, and are proven to be kick-proof. Even the strongest man in Florida wouldn’t be able to break through. These latches may look weak, but they’re as strong as mercury in room temperature,” said Headmaster E. Honda.

         During the celebration, there were sighs of relief, and many thanks were given to the fellow students, because luckily only 5% of the school’s population was killed in the incident.

          According to reports later that night, the suspect entered the school grounds by gently pulling on the back door, with the reinforced latch hanging loosely on the door frame.